Where to begin? I guess at the beginning?

So I've finally got my act together and got this blog going. It took a really long time to get a name that was perfectly perfect (thank you Kenny). When I was trying to decide how to kick this thing off, I figured it would be best to start on why I'm here and how I got here.

I grew up in New York, in a primarily Italian household. My mom and dad split when I was little, and my dad remarried a number of years later (my mother is another story all together). I was always a chunky kid. Never crazy big. Just a bit on the chunky side.

I was fancy. Don't be too jealous. But those teeth, oh boy. 

My family in general has always struggled with weight issues, and thus was something that we always were mindful of. My dad and step mom have been on weight watchers as long as I can remember. There was always some exercise routines and weight ins and what not. I didn't care too much until I got a bit older. I can remember at some point or another trying weight watchers with my step and hating it really bad. It was a room full of strangers and they all clapped when I lost like .4 lbs or some such. I hated it.

Being in a house with healthy food should have helped. However, back in the day healthy food was mostly chicken breast, balsamic vinegar and green beans. Yuck. It was around this point that I became a closet eater and kept my binging to myself.

When I was 14 I made the leap and moved in with my mother. My mother has been thin the majority of her life and has a metabolism to die for.  At this time she was in her 40s and had recently had two kids, but looked like she was in her early 30s and not an ounce of fat on her. Through my teens I began to gain weight it wasn't something my mother truly understood. She would often speak about my body negatively and even would make me stand in front of a full length mirror to inspect my body in full. It was not a pleasant experience and in the end had the opposite effect in which she intended.

I gained more and more weight through the years and ended up at a full 220. It was pretty devastating but I had that feeling of being completely out of control. I didn't know what to do or how to fix my problem. I began acting out in life. Fulfilling my self confidence needs with horrible relationships and casual meetings. It only served to make me feel worse.

In my early 20s, I decided to move back in with dad and step mom, try to get back into school and in general turn my life around. Around that time I started losing some weight, using diet, exercise and really terrible diet pills. I would come home every night from work and take the family dog for a few mile walk. It worked really effectively at first, but shortly there after I started putting weight back on.

Shortly after I met a guy. He was a tremendous jerk but I had such a low self image I thought this was the best I could do. He hated my weight and was always talking about it. He did computer repairs and had a client that was a very popular exercise guru on Long Island. He got me some of the guy's videos and would ask me to follow the videos multiple times a day. Also my diet was severely restricted and my water intake closely monitored. I lost a lot of weight in the year that I was with him. More than 80 lbs all together. After our split, I finally felt really great, but the reasons for my weight loss still haunted me.

I began doing a lot of modeling and photography work. I really loved being in front of and behind the camera. I was still on the chunky side but there is a niche for that kind of work. But I was not maintaining healthy eating and lifestyle. I moved back to New Jersey and helped take care of my mom while she was sick. I spiraled down hill so fast I barely saw it coming.

After I started gaining weight again. 

Weight kept adding back on. A lot of really random and weird things happened in my life around this time. I was on and off people's couches, moving around a lot. All in all had no real stability in my life. I met a man and he and I had this whirl wind romance. We decided to move to Las Vegas, but prior to that get married. Looking at things to wear for my wedding I realized I was back up over 220 again. I couldn't even believe it.

After moving to Vegas I continued to put on weight. I started at my amazing job, separated from my husband and jumped head first into a new relationship. I never stopped to take care of myself or even look into why I wasn't taking care of myself. Before I new it, I was up and over 300 lbs. My boyfriend and I tried many diets, and even weight watchers again. We always ultimately got frustrated and gave up. During these years my asthma got worse, I started having terrible joint pain and I was/am always sick. I knew something had to change.

Now my job has always offered weight watchers meetings at work. But I always scoffed at it. I had tried weight watchers, twice even. I hated it and there was not way I was going to meetings. What I didn't realize was how many of the people I knew and loved were doing weight watchers at work, and were so successful. My friends Kelsey and Roni were doing so incredible and wanted so bad for me to try and join them on their journey. Kelsey was even willing to put up the initial money so I would have no excuses.

So here is where we are now. I tried. I loved it. I began experimenting with healthy food blogs and cooking ever evening. I never felt cheated, deprived or stuck. I have fallen in love with my journey and realized that I have the skills to show people how I do what I do.

I am on my journey, 21lbs lighter, and it's still only the beginning. I wanted to share my experience with people who need that push, inspiration, help that I got from the people around me. I have utilized many blogs and most of the ones I love are written by people who are healthy food nuts. Those who are not in the middle of a journey that many people like me share. I wanted to share the trials, tribulations, successes you have along the way. 

This blog is dedicated to my parents, my weight watchers group, my friends, my family. I couldn't have gotten this far without you all.

This is me now, 280 lbs and losing.